The Spiritual Side of Loss Michele Macaulay I remember it like it was yesterday. The jolt, the numbness I felt when I heard he had died. How could this possibly have happened? It was all like a bad dream that I kept waiting to wake up from. I heard the words, Bryan died yesterday, but somehow it seemed so foreign, like it was in another language, like my mind just could not comprehend the reality. The next few days were spent in a daze. I had strong feelings of anxiety coupled with a bizarre falseness that made me sometimes feel like I was in a movie. But no. The day for visitation came, and there he was. It was real. I approached his now still body and stood there. It was very surreal. He didn’t quite look like himself, but then again, I knew it was him. My brain struggled with the intense reality of the situation. The funeral came and passed. I still struggled to accept the reality of the situation, visions of it kept flashing in my head, yet it still seems so foreign. Before me stood still the daunting task of informing my then 5 year old daughter. I had chosen not to tell her at the time of his death because I knew she had loved the very ground he walked on. She had visions of growing up and marrying him, despite the age difference of 18 years. He was her first love. How could I possibly explain it to her when I could barely deal with it myself? How do you explain sudden death at the age of 23? I sat my daughter down to gently break the news. I explained to her that he was like a caterpillar. He had lived on this earth and now his body was empty for a beautiful soul had risen from it and flown away to heaven. She was of course devastated. During the next few months, my daughter Mary and I often visited the cemetery. We carefully pulled weeds from the grass at his gravesite and my daughter loving drew or made tributes to lie on his headstone. We spent a lot of time talking, to each other and to Brian. We grieved together. During one particular visit I heard Mary giggling as I sat tending to the gravesite. When I looked up, to my surprise, she was skipping thru the cemetery giggling as 2 butterflies played in and amongst her feet. She told me it was Brian. Being the logical person that I am, I dismissed it, but was grateful that my daughter had experienced some sort of affirmation. Shortly thereafter, my daughter and I noticed a new chrysalis on a tree outside of our home. We checked it everyday waiting for the butterfly to emerge. I, of course, used this as a lesson to further explain the change that occurs with death. Finally, the day came when we walked outside and saw the new fresh beautiful butterfly drying its wings in the still air. My daughter instinctively put her finger out. I quietly said, “no, he’s not going to land, he would be afraid”. She replied “Yes he will, he knows me”. Much to my surprise the butterfly took his first flight from the branch and landed directly on my daughter’s finger where he sat looking at her, gently moving his wings. I immediately choked back tears. This was a sign that even I, with all my skepticism, could not dismiss. My daughter said to the butterfly “Its ok, I know you have to go” and the butterfly flew away. From that day forward, I opened my eyes and my heart to signs from beyond. I KNOW that was Brian sending a message to her, letting her know, and maybe letting me know that it was ok. I shared this story with his mother who 2 months later called me tearfully to tell me that as she sat by his grave crying a butterfly landed on her cheek and sat for a bit. She too got his message. I find in practice that these occurrences happen often. They help us to heal. They are our affirmations, much needed affirmations, if we are open-minded enough to accept them. I’ve heard naysayers dismiss these happenings as coincidence, or something that we conjure in our heads in order to heal…but you know I’m well educated, and not the easiest person to convince, yet I am convinced. This was my path to healing. These occurrences have helped many people heal. Open your heart and accept what is not always explainable. Let yourself believe and let yourself heal in your belief. Michele Macaulay, LPC, LMFT, NCC, has a Master's Plus 30 in Counseling. She works with young to middle aged adults who have addictive disorders with a co occurring mental issue (ie depression, anxiety, etc) in which grief is a common denominator. |