myshininglight.com Blog

Leoras Birthday
Current mood: reflective
Category: reflective Life

Twenty years ago today, my daughter began changing the world, first, simply by showing her beautiful face.

On her birthday, the same thing runs through my mind every year… As I looked at her for the first time, I had no way of knowing that I would not be seeing it for the rest of MY life. What would I have done differently had I known what was in our future? I can only imagine…

The age-old question comes to mind – If you could know when you are going to die, would you WANT to know?

I remember when Leora was recovering in the hospital after her first tumor was removed. They finally let me put her in a wheelchair and take her outside. It was the first time we talked about her having cancer. We still didn’t know what kind of cancer she had. I was rolling her down the sidewalk in front of the hospital, and she said, “Mommy, why me? Why do I have cancer?” What could I say? The only thing that was in my mind- “I don’t know, Baby. I am so sorry. I wish it was me instead of you.” She gave me an emphatic “NO”, and told me, “If it was you, I’d go crazy!”

At the same time, I felt like somebody kicked me in the stomach, and I felt like my heart would explode with the love I felt for her. What a surprising thing for her to say. I spent Leora’s life worried what would happen to her if I died before she was grown, because she didn’t have a father. In a cruel, ironic twist, the opposite was happening. Who ever would’ve guessed?

This ’selfish’ teenager, who ‘didn’t care about anybody but herself’ (according to my crazy mother, and crazier boyfriend at the time) would later tell me that she wasn’t afraid of dying. She was only worried about what would happen to me if she did. No one else who knew Leora was surprised when I shared that with them. She was loved by so many people, and known for her big heart, her silliness, and how she made it her mission to bring people up when they were down. She did that until the end, literally.

Leora’s life was not easy. My life with her wasn’t easy either. I had her at nineteen. We really grew up together, she was tough. She wanted to grow up so fast. My job as her mom was to balance reeling her in with giving her space. Geeeeez- that was exhausting! To look back, of course, we all know she had a lot to do in a short period of time.

I believe in the connectedness of all things. Maybe on some level, she and I knew that we did not have forever. We had a very different relationship than most mothers and daughters. Her friends, to this day, still tell me they wish they had with their moms what Leora and I had. Maybe if she wasn’t going to die young, we would have been different…I don’t know.

So, here it is, twenty years down the road, and I have these incredible memories of a lifetime – Leora’s lifetime – that are so special to me. I am raising her brothers. Travis and Sky, no doubt, are better for their experiences too. They are such great young men. They are compassionate, and they have a deep seated gentleness and kindness about them that makes me so incredibly proud. This is, in part, because of Leora. They understand loss like few can.

So if I had known twenty years ago that Leora would die at fifteen, what would I have done? I probably would have sheltered her too much, tried to make her spend all her time with me, and I know I would have tried to change the inevitable.

Thank God we can’t know. I would not be proud of the way I raised her had I known. Instead, I AM so proud of the way I raised her, and the very special relationship we had. Leora made me better because I knew her, and I am the luckiest person in the world, because for just a little while, she called me Mommy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my sweetheart, wherever you are…

Currently listening : Learn to Fly, Pt. 1 By Foo Fighters Release date: By 28 December, 1999